Rain and cold ad cold and rain and dark and darker and leaks

November 14, 2025

Against my better judgement, the cold and dark and rain have me stuck . 

Being stuck in the rain and all should be time for contemplation..and after spending the day looking at the gray and having all sorts of First Sentences plodding through my head.. Here I am waiting for the rain to go away. having come later than the guy on Channel Seven  made  me think it would arrive. Cleared one gutter.. more or less.. and still some leaks in this  old abode.. my home.. abode. abide with me.

My index finger on the right hand ..from time to time.. points vaguely left or right. Parkinson's?  just a muscle quirk.. 

Dreams?

First with Lee.. in a place like Billy's Deli in Glendale used to be.. I guess I'm meeting her but she's on the other side of the booths and I'm pacing her.  She doesn't see me..Then there's an aisle and I cross to her . her hair is soft and I nuzzle into her neck and say, "I love you with all my heart.." 

Dream dissolves away....fades away...

We had an uncomfortable parting.  Tried to stay  friends..sort of.. shared our daughter, TS.. That's a blessing, for sure. The most honest being I've ever known.

Then..this morning's dream.. spinning form a chat with a high school friend.. Krispy Kreme donuts become a goal..Exited a freeway somewhere with only right or left options to turn but a parking lot directly in front of me with a shop for pastires and stuff dead ahead.

Drove through the light and into the parking lot.  Dissolve to inside.. I think I knew that Lee was  familiar with this place.  No idea where it was. 

Brilliant cases full of Wayne Thibaud sugar rush with the glazed donuts at the far end. The clerk is a tough looking guy.. dark and craggy and not all that happy.. until he smiles and warms things up.  Two donuts and a quart of milk.. $6.67 was the bill.. Paid cash and then. there she was.. 

Lee again.. We see each other.. .it is uncomfortable until she says.. "Up until four seconds ago, you were in trouble.. ' and she kisses me. 

About $5.20 for the donuts? so..only $1.47 for the milk?  I guess that's for a quart instead of a half gallon.Whole milk. red top.. Cold milk   from a cow who lives at a dairy somewhere..

Her kiss was gentle and kind.  It's been a long time. She's up north now.. her daughter is in show business.

The brightness of the pastry shop and the one eighty of the tough cleark and a kiss from a dear former love. good dreams.. good dreams.

Do you ever wonder about fame? Or success that takes you to the fringes of attention?  How do famous folks survive? Steve Martin?  Tom Hanks..?? What is the responsibility of fame? 

Are the "strars" on  Dancing with ..etc.. really stars?  

Free association in this tiny hamlet of the world is not writing the great American novel ..or memoir.. who cares? really? what happens when age and gravity take your pals away?  Where does the memory go? Do we cling to life with our finger nails barely scratching the edeg of the crumbling cliff? Will a lemming come rushijng with his pals and we'll all go toether? 

Can a pile of lemmings cradle a falling person and instead of a cranberry crush on the rocks below..a soft bed of dead lemmijngs? Then, what? How do you go on, having crushed a herd of lemmijgs and find your way back to the top of the cliff and face another day? 

Questions for the ages.. Silly..and temporal..Off the cliff or a final sitting in your chair. .alone.. or? What happens in the end? 

Noevember 14, 2025  ten thirtyeight PM.

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Rain rain rain.. November 15, 2025  4PM.

dark day..

up way late

dream included a sort of hippie woman with a wire brush.. A grungy garage setting.. a guy in an upper area coming down a narrow  staircase.. I wanted to help him down and he smikled.   All the scene was grugy and dark.. outside the 'garage?' was wet and the worman with the wire bursh sort of digging in a puddle.. and then a sort of low rider car leaving the scene.

the cold and dark day surrounds me and I wonder how to face the day. .all wet.. 

My first email today was from a high school friend..a girl.. who is a good woman.. She responded to the email that I sent tothe Class of '59  about the mess in Washington, D.C.

Now. the feeling of not connecting well to those fat old republicans comes to me almost physically.  End of life issues squeeze in..

rain rain rain.. 

Eyesight fading.. chll in the air.. 

4:08PM  11/15/2025

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